


Bring me back to me

by notanotherdoctor



Category: Doctor Who RPF
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2012-10-17
Updated: 2012-10-24
Packaged: 2017-11-16 12:51:33
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/539624
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notanotherdoctor/pseuds/notanotherdoctor
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>How are we meant to cope in a world where love ends and silence ensues, it isn't possible to live with a heart so painful.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Open me up and see the beauty

Karen blinked back her tears as she threw the newspaper across her room, watching as the page flew apart and slowly settled on her floor.

  
Why did the papers seem to get such pleasure out of stalking and making up stories about her? She wasn’t interesting, she didn’t do anything special. She was just and actress doing her job. Yet this particular paper was running a second story on her supposed ‘pregnancy’. She pressed the heel of her hand into her face and rubbed her eyes vigorously. It was a terribly angled and blurry shot, and she supposed it did look like she was sporting a baby belly in it, if you squinted. The fucking papers had run it 2 days in a row already. And this was the last thing she needed on top of everything that was happening right now.

Jumping as the ringing of her mobile reverberated throughout her mobile, Karen didn’t bother to check the caller ID before answering.  
“Hello” she answered, cringing at the tiredness and depressive sound of her voice.  
“Kazza! I believe a congratulations are in order then!”  
Rubbing her temples she resists the urge to growl down the phone,   
“I’m not pregnant Matt.”  
“Oh but I’ve seen the photos my love.” He giggled, “I know I haven’t had a chance to see you for 2 months but you could’ve told your best friend”, she can hear him pouting from here.  
“Matt. I’m not pregnant.”  
“Alright you’re not- wait, you didn’t.” he paused awkwardly, “shit Kaz did you get rid of it? I know we’re back to filming Who soon, but I mean- well Steven wouldn’t have fired you or anything.”  
“MATT for God’s sake, no I didn’t get rid of it. How many times do I have to say I’m not pregnant.” She took a shaky breath, blinking back yet more tears that were threatening to fall, “look I’m sorry but I can’t do this now Matt” she whispered. “I need to go, I don’t want to talk to anyone right now.”

She hung up the phone before he had a chance to reply, she stared at the text message displayed on her phone, the one she had been trying to avoid dealing with all month.

_Karen, I got a call from Mum before, something has happened to your Mum, she’s in hospital. Something about her not waking up, in a coma I think. Can you get up here? She’ll be okay we think but they said it might help her wake up._   
_Caitlin_

Karen felt the tears sliding down her face again; she’d been able to spend 4 days in Scotland before she had to fly back to Cardiff. They didn’t know what had happened, Doctor’s said it wasn’t a normal case; she’d just collapsed one day and not woken up. Nothing that they could do except wait for her to wake up and start running tests. 

She felt that every move she was making at the moment was just pulling her under into a deep ocean, she was being dragged down so far that she had forgotten how to breathe. She was terrified of the day she would come crashing back to shore.

The thing that had made this worse, the reason that Karen felt she was drowning in her own life; was that it had to be the weekend that her boyfriend chose to break up with her. She could barely handle the fact that her mother was lying in a hospital bed, un-responsive in another country. But that her boyfriend decided he needed a 'fresh start' was enough to send her over the edge. Filming started tomorrow and Steven had postponed all he could for her, she knew that she had to pull herself together. Her main focus now was to wait and hope that her Mum woke up; she hadn’t told anyone what was going on. And she didn’t know what to do anymore.


	2. By your side

Karen groped across her bedside table trying to locate her phone and make the incessant ringing stop.

“lo” she grunted down the phone line, voice thick with sleep,  
“Karen?” a voice asked, “Karen it’s Alex”  
“What d’you want Alex. It’s-“ she glanced at the clock on her phone, eyes squinting into the light, “oh shit sorry, it’s only 8:30. Fell asleep early.”  
She pulled herself into an upright position, and leant back into her pillows. Rubbing the sleep from her eyes she listened as Alex hummed sympathetically.  
“Listen darling, Matt just told me what happened and I wanted to let you know that I’m on my way over now. I know what it feels like Karen, and I’m sorry; it might help if I’m there. I’ve dealt with it before.”  
Karen blinked and furrowed her eyebrows, she was confused, how did Matt know what had happened this week? And why the bloody hell would he tell anyone?!  
“Alex, don’t come over. Honestly I’m fine; no big deal it’s just upsetting, I’m fine. Just wish that I could see her is all.”  
“Oh sweetheart, you always will. It’s horrible, it will always be there in the back of mind; I’m sorry I can’t say that you’ll forget about it, because you never do. And I’m so very sorry. Look I’m here now, I’ll be up in a sec.”

Before Karen could reply, Alex had hung up the phone and was knocking on her door. Standing up from the sofa, Karen glanced down at her attire. Well, she mused, at least Alex would be to polite to comment on the tracksuit pants and oversized night shirt she was sporting. Pulling the scrunchie off of her wrist she pulled her unwashed hair back into a ponytail. God she had to sort herself out before work tomorrow....

"Hey Alex" she said, letting the older woman into her apartment, "sorry about- well I suppose mess doesn't really cover". She sweeped her hand around the room vaguely, "I only came home yesterday."

Alex pulled her in for a hug, "I didn't realise that they had kept you in for so long sweetie, when Steven didn't give a reason for the post-ponment I just assumed he hadn't finished one of the scripts!"

Karen allowed Alex to drag her over to the couch and sat down beside her,  
"What do you mean kept me in?" she asked, "I chose to go up and see her, no one forced me. To be honest with the choice between Joshua down here and the family up there, I though the family might be easier to deal with."  
Alex looks at her blankly, "what are you talking about dear?" 

"My mum, and Josh, and this stupid fucking pregnancy storyline, and I just I can't cope with the fact that I'm leaving. I have no idea what to do with my life. I don't know what to do anymore Lex, I can't handle it." 

Karen curled up in a ball regretting her emotional outburst already, she felt her tears slide down her cheeks. "I don't know how to cope with this. It's stupid. It's so fucking stupid I know" she mumbles.

"Wait" Alex interrups, "the pregnancy isn't true?". She gently rubs Karen's shoulder as the young girl lets out a noise halfway between a laugh and a sob.

"But Matt, well he told me that you lost the baby." she pulls Karen in for a hug, "if that isn't the case Kaz, then what on earth is going on. What's left you in this state hey?" she whispers gently, pulling back and looking at the broken woman in front of her.

Karen pulled away from Alex and angles her body away from her, shaking her head she hurriedly tries to stem the tears flowing from her eyes. 

"It's nothing" she says, plastering on a smile through her tears and turning her head slightly to look at Alex, "just being dramatic, you know me." Karen's attempt at a laugh comes out sounding like a choked sob.  
Alex reaches out to run a hand through her hair, trying not to be offended when she flinches away. She feels a lump in her throat as she watches Karen trying to control her tears, the sight of her shaking shoulders, red-rimmed eyes and defeated figure is enough to make Alex's heart break.

"Productions don't get post-poned over nothing darling. Please, you need to talk to someone, if not me what about Matt, or your Mum, even Arthur would listen; please Karen you're scaring me."  
Karen bites her lip when Alex recommends that she talk to her Mum, she would do anything to be able to talk to her Mum, anything. But her Mum wasn't here, she didn't know if she ever would be again, in that second she realised that she had never felt so alone.

Feeling her sobs wrack her body again, she curled into a tighter ball, arms wrapped around herself, finger nails digging into her arms so deep that they were drawing blood. She wished in that moment that she could just keep digging, that she could rip her skin off and curl up until she no longer existed and this pain was gone.

The feeling of Alex's hands on hers, gently prising her hands off of her arms, brings her back to reality, she turns to face Alex, shocked to see tears on the older womans face.  
"Karen, this isn't okay. This crying, this pain; hurting yourself. All of it Karen, it's not okay. Talk to me". 

"My mum's sick" she whispered, "In a coma, something happened. I don't even know what, but she won't wake up. And then, then Josh broke up with me.

Karen took a shaky breath, trying to stop herself from rattling everything out. 

"When Joshua left, he was really mad. Said that I put work before him, he just kept shouting and throwing things. He- well he didn't mean to, I really wound him up, but he managed to sprain my wrist. Haven't even told Steven about that one yet, can't wait to see his face when I can't do half my scenes." She laughed bitterly, Alex watched her carefully like she was worried Karen might break. 

"And fuck Alex, I just- I miss them both. I need my mum". 

"And it's all stupid. And they're all such little things I know. But they're building up and I just, I can't cope with it all Alex, not now that I'm leaving the show too. I can't. I don't want to have to. I keep wondering what would happen if I decided not to. If I just left it all behind. Steven could work the scripts, Arthur could manage the last season himself. Mum wouldn't even know. Josh is gone. And Matt would get over it eventually, everyone would. I could slip into nothing and never have to worry again. I'd just go. So easy to just end it all." she trailed off, her voice barely audible as she stared down at her fingers. "Wouldn't have to live".

Alex stares at Karen in horror, everything she had been about to say stuck in her throat and she was left speechless. Reaching out and taking Karen's hands in her own, Alex squeezed them gently, watching the young girls face cautiously.

"Never Karen. Never say that, never even think that. You have so many people that love you. So many people that would miss you. Oh sweetheart you can't ever think like that, because the world would crash and burn without you."

She feels her own eyes cloud over with tears again, the knowledge that Karen felt this way was enough to leave her close to her own breakdown. Alex couldn't believe that she had kept this to herself, hadn't talked to any of them. Arthur and Matt would be devastated if they knew that Karen felt like this about herself.

"I'm just so tired," Karen whispered, "I'm so sick of feeling like a failure, I just wish I could curl up and just escape my life for a while. I really can't keep going Alex. I can't." 

Alex pulled the red-headed girl into to her and held her tight. She placed a kiss to the top of her head, rolling her eyes as Arthur's 'secret' knock echoed throughout the apartment. The idiot had made it up years ago so that everyone would know it was him.

Jumping up to open the door, she smiled sadly down at Karen as she wiped the tears off her face and pasted a bright smile across her face.

"Try and get rid of him Alex?" she asked, "love him and all, but can't cope with his puppy love today".

Alex opened the door up a crack, keeping Karen out of Arthur's sight,  
"Can I help you dear?" she asked him.

"Oh Alex you're here!", he dropped his voice to a whisper, "how is she, I mean with the baby?"

Alex sighed, God love him, the look of concern on his face was beautiful,

"She never was pregnant Arthur, tabloid gossip as per usual. Don't worry about that!" she moved to shut the door, but he shoved his foot in the gap before she had it all the way closed.

"Alex what's going with her then, Matt she was crying when he called her this morning, she's been competely out of touch for the last week and a half." he stared down at her, worry evident across his face, 

"She's my best friend" he mumbled quietly, "please, I'm worried about her."

Alex relented as she watched him worry his bottom lip between his teeth, sighing she opened the door and let him in. She couldn't do this on her own anyway, Karen needed someone else to help her, someone who knew her much better than she did. Smiling in apology as Karen looked up at them both approaching, her eyes went wide with panic and she stumbled over her words.

"Alex I said not to let him in- God, Darvill I'm sorry I've been out of touch- I should have- well I didn't mean to- I just. I'm sorry, I really am. I needed to keep my phone off for a bit. Can you please just leave. God that sounded so rude- please though Arthur I just-"  
She was cut off as Arthur wrapped his arms around her and pulled her up into a hug; he buried his face into the crook of her neck.

"Thank God you're all right. Thought you'd died on us for awhile there, decided you couldn't live without us or something." He squeezed her tightly.

"No" Karen muttered into his hair, "Not yet". She felt the tears well up again, God why couldn't she stop crying? She was pathetic.

"What do you mean not yet?" he demanded, he pulled back to look at her, 

"Oh Kaz" he whispered, softening at the sight of her tears, "I love you. You come to me when you are upset you understand? You talk to me and I'll listen. I'll give you a hug and try my damned hardest to fix it for you. Okay?"

She nodded mutely, looking across at Alex.

"I need to take a bath before we start work tomorrow, can you- Well can you talk to him?" she shuffled her feet awkwardly, "I just, I can't do that again".

Alex nodded at her as she walked past. Taking a deep breath she turned back to Arthur,  
"Sit down darling. I think we need your help."


	3. Care for you like you deserve

"I just - God Alex, I can't believe she's been feeling like this", Arthur scrubbed his hand against his stubbled chin.   
"What if she hadn't told you? God I don't know what we'd do without her".

He stood up and began pacing the room, alternating between tousling his hair and rubbing his stubble, glancing up at the door that Karen had exited through each time he passed it.

"She can't keep this up." he said suddenly, causing Alex to jump slightly as the silence broke, "we need to help her, need to make sure she understands that she has to keep going. And, well she needs to understand that she didn't deserve to be hurt by Joshua. I mean it sounds like she think she deserved it".

Alex nodded in agreement, she couldn't help but think back to her days when she had felt the same way; how after she had admitted everything to her cousin she sat in the bath tub because she couldn't handle the guilt. She shot up from where she was sitting.

"Shit!" she sprinted towards the bathroom, "why did I ever let her go on her own. She might- oh shit sorry Karen."

She had opened the door to a very naked Karen stepping out of the shower, turning her back to her, she blushed deeply.

"I just- just was worried. You were taking a while" she stammered. Face buried in her hands, she heard Arthurs barking laugh in front of her and looked up to see his shoulders shaking. He was laughing and sobbing as he pulled Karen into him for a hug, ignoring her protests about how she was only wearing a towel and whispered quietly to her.

She nodded softly against his shoulder and melted into his hug, allowing him to hold her closely; Alex wasn't sure that he would ever let her go.

\--

Matt pressed his ear up against the wall that divided his and Karen's apartments, he could have sworn that he heard the music to Peter Pan. It was! He stood up and ran out of his door, standing in front of Karen's he pounded on it relentlessly until it was opened by Alex. Shoving his way inside he stopped,

"Okay I was upset that you were watching Peter Pan without me Kaz, but to find that you're watching it with both Owl boy and Kingston is just insulting. Where was my invite?"

He flung himself down next to Alex and turned to look over at the girl in question, she was curled up in a ball against Arthur's side, he was running a finger through her hair and softly singing the song on the film under his breath.

Matt had never been so confused, since when did Karen watch Peter Pan silently? And why were Arthur's eyes red?

"What's going on?" he asked, much more quitely this time, "seriously Kaz, why are you so quiet, and why does Darvill look like he's been crying?"

She glanced up him from underneath Arthur's arm, and gave him a smile,

"We're fine" she answered softly, "just trying to watch the movie."

Matt sighed, knowing better than press the topic with Karen at night, he'd talk to her tomorrow. He was getting seriously worried about her, she just wasn't herself, and the frown on Alex's face as she continuosly glanced at Karen weren't helping his fears.


End file.
